Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
You crawled into bed with Bob and started whispering to him about produce.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
