I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I got so drunk at the hockey game I bought everyone behind me in concession line a funnel cake.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I came in shy and timid. By the end of the night I hulked out broke two lamps, their coffee table, some plates, and still had sex.
He literally just peed in a trash can in our room. It didn't even have a bag in it
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
Randomize
