can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.
There is is 40 year old penis staring me in the face right now if there was ever a time to be a good friend its right now.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
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