You took all of my sister's dolls and threw them out the window and then you started talking to her etcha sketch and mr. potato head. I later found you passed out in front of Toy Story and it all made sense.
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
I didn't realize how trashy of a night we had.
Welllll, you did eat a cherry out of my pussy. So I think that classes it up a little.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
Success! We fucked roommates!
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
Randomize
