Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
Randomize
