Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character
we hooked up. but it was that weird mix of getting naked and watching Balto that made it so awesome.
I cant prove it..but im almost positive that you were just outside my window watching me while eating out of a bag of Cheetos...
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
Well once I told her I had a girlfriend she actually got more aggressive. Then Danielle called me and she saw the pic of the two of us on my phone and immediately said "can my caller I'd pic be me sitting on your face" wtf?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
Randomize
