the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Also I found $40 in the women's bathroom at ihop. Karma is finally kicking in!
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