toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
I don't remember anything other than how good it felt when I peed my pants.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
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