Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Doing "bucket stands" with buckets of margarita. Don't tell me it's not a good idea.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
