there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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