Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
If you think im a hippy you should see these girls. They would scissor mother nature if they had the chance.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
They are doing the auction. One of the items in the auction is a grenade launcher.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
We are all done wearing pants today
I just had to explain to my grandma what a reach-around is. Too far..
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
you started putting peanut butter on your pubes.
Randomize
