I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.
Please high five our old drug dealer for me please.
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
Randomize
