yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I'm pretty stoned, and for a second I forgot that I'm not actually Barbie and I was getting excited about all the fun we were going to have on my jet.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
Also this morning I remembered seeing the stripper he threw up on later in the night. She was clothed though.
Randomize
