So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Kinda suprised you didn't immediately ask about the lesbian ghosts tho
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
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