Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Doing lines of cocaine in the bathroom and the word 'better' do not belong in the same sentence.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Sorry, fell into some ass. Call you tomorrow.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
I'm scared because his knowledge of star trek is turning me on
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Hey, sorry I choked you last night... I was just really excited to see you.
Randomize
