Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.
That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I'm gonna play this game called Conquer the Dicks. I think it is self explanatory.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
