i think im in love. he told me he doesnt care if i shave down there.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Drunkkker than when I told the drag queen she was prettier than me
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
I just wish my penis was a person so I could give him a high five.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
What is your friends name that I hooked up with? ....I think j found his credit card under my bed
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
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