I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
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