Yes give me all the cream and he's gone
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
I just found out you can file for divorce online. I love America.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
Let's hurry up so I can puke at home instead of my van
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
Thumbs up
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Randomize
