Did I tell you he has dinosaur sheets?
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
A man and his most likely hooker just bought us Taco Bell.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
You came home And decided to make beer battered bacon... That's why there was smoke
Also, the greatest of ironies: I got shampoo confiscated by security while Corey managed to get pot through. MERICA!
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
Randomize
