I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
You're gonna be proud in the future that you fucked the next bill gates
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
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