Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
I don't remember her missing an ear while we were at the bar
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
I don't understand how 5 bottles of booze became normal or acceptable per 2.5 people
A kid in my class today just asked if we have class on the 17th, then announced that he couldn't go anyways because it was the day after his 21 and he was going to be too hungover
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
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