Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule
Thats your rule and this car is nice
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
