I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Just beer bonged tequila, broke into the hotel next door and got chased by security. It's spring break
I woke up in a lawn chair by the lake to some man revving his boat motor at me.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He sent me a dick pic. I am fighting the urge to send him a "sorry for your loss" card.
Verdict: uncircumcised.
There were no words. I got in his car, took my pants off, threw my shirt out the window, and got things started. After we were done I collected my clothes, gave him a kiss, and crept back into my house.
You're like the sex ninja. How doesn't he love you?!
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