Id pretty much put it in anything at this point. Jello. Dogs. 12 year old boys
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
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