i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
He's gonna be so upset when he get's a real job and can't do serious drugs.
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
Randomize
