Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
Taking a walk while tripping face during Halloween time was a bad idea. I started crying bc I was so scared and hide in the parks playground.
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