Flirting with the rich sleazy owner of the club: 1 way ticket to free sushi, drinks, and VIP passes. FUck! im better with older men than i am with babies and dogs
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
On a scale of one to ten how bad is it that the first cardio I've done in months is jogging to the bars?
I'll just go with dedication.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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