am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Is this really the life I've chosen for myself?
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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