i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
C'mon pople!!! THursday afternoon isnot gonna drinkin itself!!!
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
U know this is gone far when im in the bathroom trying to take a pic of my asshole
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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