Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
drunk taco night MLK would want it this way.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
So far I consider it a great summer because I have had to buy Plan B a total of zero times
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
Randomize
