How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
