the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
just peed in rthe mens room but seranaeded them with adelle the whole timee so they didnt mind
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Randomize
