I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
I thought you said his peep was too small
it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.
I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.
I just realized that the music from spongebob is also used in real sex HBO.
you have to be so drunk to ignore a taser
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Look at all the pictures I have of us sucking on jello syringes.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
I feel like a pile of chihuahua shit that got eaten by a Great Dane who puked it up and then set it on fire.
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
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