my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
He pocket texted me while I was blowing him in the car...What are the odds?
Considering how often you blow him,high.
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
The spirit of America is being too hungover to celebrate America right?
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
