I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
Okay I’ll say it... THIS MOVIE FUCKS
That’s probably the first time I've heard Little Women described that way and I love it
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