Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
guys are only as good as the porn they watch
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
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