so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I cant watch the real world now after jersey shore. its like trying to go back to vagina once uve had anal
There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
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