OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
It's his sex noise. "I'm gonna cu-THE LORD IS MY SHEPARD AND I SHALL NOT WANT"
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I can't base my relationships off of good dick and dogs.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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