you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
Remember that time we were in the handicap bathroom snorting Molly at the stripclub. That was a defining moment in our friendship
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
I appreciate having someone to objectively critique my dick pics.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Randomize
