You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
You should be proud. How many people can say they GAVE a stripper an std?
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
Let's be honest, I'm cooking chicken nuggets in my Helm jersey and underwear who has their life more together than me?
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
Randomize
