I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.
By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
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