I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
grapes are the best munchies food ever cuz like the juice explodes in my mouth and my mouth gets all relieved of dryness. and the skin of the grape is like the food. and theres so many grapes!
so i put my jacket on last night that you wore last weekend, and reach inside the pockets and find them full of goldfish...
the snack that smiles back:)
Randomize
