I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Do not confuse my plans for being an adult though. I will ABSOLUTELY be practicing suturing, on my porch, while getting stoned.
Randomize
