i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
All I found in my purse this morning was 160 cigarettes and a fistful of confetti.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
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