He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.
LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Im gunna just be that one ballerina in the low V leopard thong leotard and everyone else can be boring and prude with their little pink tights on.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
He puked in the middle of it and I still wasn't disappointed.
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
Randomize
