When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?
anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Not sure she's stomping around my apartment muttering incoherently about wanting to speak to the colonel
Randomize
