cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
all i want is a guy to go down on me while i eat peanutbutter from a jar
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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