Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
we have to get out to the bar earlier. all of the guys are already committed to the girls they're going home with.
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
The van in front of me contains people having SEX. I am in full view of a SEX VAN.
He woke up, yelled "RALLY!" and then puked in my glove compartment
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
You FaceTimed me to show me he was sucking your tit
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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