Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
So this is what bad decisions tastes like...
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
