you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
I'd cum everywhere if I could have chicken nuggets right now
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
