Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
the only reason why im excited to go home for break is to finally eat real fucking food and have normal bowel movements.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
I talk a lot when I drink rum. he was going down on me and i was telling him how i wished i could tap dance. oh god
Piñatas plus fireworks don't mix well
I put ketchup in a girls hair last night. I need a sorry balloon
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
So what did you do since you didn't go out?
...ate chocolate and watched bring it on....it's like I don't even know what it would look like to be straight.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
I threw up soo much that I started crying. Then his grandma randomly came in and started rubbing my back...
Randomize
