im sober playing flip cup. its like cheating.
we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I legitimately thought I was gonna die getting finger banged to ja rule in the back of your car last night.
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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