it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.
They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
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