Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
Puking on the side of the road and legitimately just got a head nod and thumbs up from an 80 year old man on a Segway... What the fuck?
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
Randomize
