i asked him to tell me something nice and he said "your vagina is really tight."
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
