i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
life just isnt the same w/o real world cancun
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
What's the point in getting all dressed up and going when i'm just gonna throw up on myself by midnight?
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
Two chicks walked outta his room and all he did was beat his chest like LeBron and yell, "And 1!"
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
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