I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
I nicked my vulva while shaving and I'm about to go on a date where I will be having sex. Which bandaid: My Little Pony or princesses?
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
You can accomplish quite a bit with a can do attitude and a well placed ice cube.
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