its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
There are very few times i will succumb to laying naked on my bathroom floor. But lastnight is a resonable enough cause.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
its ok, the prom king gave me his crown to puke in
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
Randomize
