I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
Don't worry, your car is safe with me. I am throwing watermelons out of it at mailboxes and hipster kids.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
So I heard her yell at him and I went downstairs to find he had lit up each one of my smokes and taken just one drag off each and had em lined up on the table. She says he "experiments" when on Ambien.
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize