people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
i just bought weed at the top of a mountain, best decision of our lives to go to school in colorado.
all she kept saying was "harder" "mayo" and "who are you"
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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