I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.
Holy shittt I don't even have a bf
rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
i wish i just like had a pee bag attached to me and i could just go whenever i want wherever i want
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
Randomize
