Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
Is it awkward to ask someone I've slept with to officiate my wedding?
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
