I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
You sent 2 glasses of water to the table next us and told to the waitress they were on you. I repeat: water
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
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